shaken confidence

So I looked through my grades from Auckland last night...not great. I failed one class, and two others weren't impressive: I passed them, but by the skin of my teeth. One of my friends said that perhaps only the credits come back, not the grades themselves - that would be nice, but it's not like there's ANY place it's set out in stone particularly.

But now it looks like I effed up the Journal Requirement (the actual point of this blog, sorry it wasn't actually intended to entertain anyone). From the OISP site, I was supposed to do these types of things...

Pre-Departure:

• What are your goals and objectives for studying abroad?
• What do you hope to gain from this experience (personal, academic, career)?
• Why did you select the program you are going on?
• How does it feel to leave friends, family, and NU behind?

During the semester:

• What are your first impressions? Think about the people, campus life, courses, transportation, politics, food, language, family, music, clothes, etc.
• What insights have you gained about your host country through the courses you are taking?
• How do your American values, beliefs, and traditions differ from your host country?
• What is it like being a minority in another country?
• How does the media respond to different world events?
• What is the relationship between the US and your host country?

Returning:

• What have you done that has made a significant difference in your life?
• What advise would you give to future study abroad students?
• What did you learn about your host country?
• What did you learn about yourself?
• What is your favorite memory?

Yeah. I had a quick look through this thing...looks like I started out well...but it kinda morphed into a day-to-day blog for friends to read. Which, further down the page, is listed under the unacceptable types of journals submitted. Just wonderful.

I make my own bad days I guess. I shouldn't have checked all this crap at the start of a holiday weekend, since now I can't do anything about it but stew for...four or so days.

So I guess I could write some stuff about all the above, and try to submit it. It's not like I blatantly disregarded the requirements. I just sort of...forgot about them. About the same time I started slacking off in my classes, and we know what happened there. It's not like I don't try, I just stray off course sometimes; this was only exasperated by being in a different country and trying to change as a person - I was so uptight and easily irritated by things before I left. In NZ I suppose I learned to relax and let stuff just bounce off. But perhaps I took it too much to heart, and lost my ability to self-advocate. That would explain why I didn't aggressively pursue getting help when I should have. It's not like I didn't know, at least at a gut instinct level, that I wasn't doing as well as I could have in my classes.

Perhaps this may be seen as an excuse, but with me, if I'm not interested in the subject matter being presented before me (e.g.: historic art in 15th century Europe, ick), I'm not going to engage in the course. If I don't engage, it shows in poor markings on my papers and exams. I could have dropped the classes and searched for stuff that I was interested in, but to be honest, I was nervous that they wouldn't be equivalent to any courses upon returning. (I've heard stories.) Like I said, I made my bed on this one.

If theres one thing I've learned, it's that college is a fine balance between personal and academic growth. It's all about the choices made. For example, I could go out on a Wednesday night and get to know people, but at what expense? Class on Thursday morning, where information for the exam is given? Alternatively, I could forgo taking a trip to the other side of the country, so I can stay around and catch up on my work. But then I'm unable to relate to anyone that I routinely interact with, so I'm cast off as the antisocial one. And what is really the likelihood I'm going to keep up with many of the people I met for more than say, a year or so. Or they'll keep up with me? In other words, I'm sitting here in Vermont, with a transcript of disastrous proportions, and while I made good friends there, they're all back in their American lives scattered around the country.

I don't know I guess. Maybe this entry will help salvage this journal. It certainly helped my mood. Time to go make cranberry chutney for dinner at 4. Happy Thanksgiving!